When Only A Mama Will Do - A Visit to Austin

I imagined he would move away and never need his mama again. Always trying to do his own thing - to find his own way. He would usually come back around at some point, only to push off again to pursue whatever was calling him at that moment. His growth has almost always been a bit painful for me - he is not good with words - and they come off sharp and prickly to a mama's heart when she is trying to learn how to let go in all of the ways he needs.

I said good-bye to him on that August morning in 2025 thinking that he would never really need me again - that he was officially an adult now and that he would fill his life with other relationships - that the necessity of a mama is only for the growing years. 

As time passed (and he tolerated my almost daily Facetiming calls), something changed in him and perhaps, even in me. It was harder than he thought to build a new life from scratch. Harder to find the kind of quality people he wanted to build a tribe of his own out of. Sure, he was meeting people and having new experiences, and he even fell in love with the city of Austin, but...it was different than he thought it would be. Not in a regretful kind of way, but in a maybe I don't want to be my own island kind of way. 

I offered to come down in January which he readily agreed to. I figured that he would only want me to stay for a few days at the most, but he asked me to stay longer, and so I did. I stayed for a week and took care of my boy. We spent time on trails and at parks. We went downtown. We ended up spending every waking moment together when he wasn't working, and it was absolutely wonderful. 

While he was at work, I did his laundry, cleaned his apartment, made dinner, bought groceries and some furniture for his apartment that he needed. I took care of my child in all of the comforting ways you can when you are both adults. I made his burdens lighter and brought the essence of home to him.

He loved being taken care of and I loved taking care of him. 

I thought that once my children were grown and out on their own, they would no longer need me. That my role would transition to something else, but I was wrong. I realized this visit that there are some aches that only a mama can heal, some comfort only a mama can give, and some love only a mama can offer. 

I need not worry for the rest of my days about what role I will have in my kids' lives. I am their mama - a special, one-of-a-kind role, that for my children, only I can fill. What a beautiful gift. 

Me and my boy in Austin, TX.

 

Around The Neighborhood

We are lucky enough to have a large tract of wooded land surrounding our development. I leave no trace and enter into this peaceful space as often as I can and always bring along our two dogs. I love giving them free reign of these woods off leash. It makes me feel happy to see how much joy it gives them to be able to roam the land of their own accord. 

It is a quiet wood. We have seen deer a small handful of times (even though the traces of them living among this space are abundant) as well as a black coyote on a couple of occasions. Other than that, the birds keep their library voices, and one must strain to hear their stories. I don't mind the quiet though. It is enough just to know that I am in Mother Nature's space. I don't need to see or hear her creatures. I know they are there somewhere in their secret spots. 

It is hard to capture the peace I feel when I am in the woods (or ocean or desert or mountaintops), but I do my best to capture the moments that call my attention. This is just a glimpse of what caught my eye the last time I was there.

This little boy is such a rascal, but so very loved. n

That lone mushroom towards the bottom of the picture caught my eye. It was so cute and so tiny growing all by its lonesome.

The struggle for this little guy to make it to maturity is very real, but its delicate strength gives me hope that perhaps it is possible for him. 

 

Something New

A new journey stands before me, and as I stand at the precipice of the unknown I cannot help but feeling excited. I am a woman whose four children are now adults living their own lives, creating their own stories. I have spent the last 25 years of my life, almost my entire adulthood, being someone's mother and enveloping myself in all that it means to be a good one. So....now what? What comes after our children have grown? Who do we become when 'Mother' has been our calling, an all-encompassing passion? 

I always thought I would be devastated when my kids were grown. That I would somehow forget my true north because my children were always my compasses and guides. I wondered sporadically if I would I drown in an ocean of purposelessness. I mean, I was a homeschooling stay-at-home mama whose family moved around a lot. If that doesn't create some type of vacuum and single-mindedness of sole focus, I don't know what does. 

And yet...while I was sad at certain points, and I did worry about what was to become of my life - who would I be now that 'mother' was no longer my full-time role? When the point of release finally came and Elizabeth graduated high school and turned 19 a few months later, I didn't lose hope that there was nothing else left of value to accomplish in my life.

 In fact, the opposite has become true. A whole future of possibilities opened up before me. In fact, my possibilities seem limitless. (It helps that I have an incredibly amazing husband who says that he considers me retired because I successfully raised and educated four amazing humans, and that I can pursue anything I want to - or nothing at all.)

I would love to share my journey with you. I hope you'll come along for the ride as I am so curious about what the future holds in this new chapter of life.